Welcome back to this blog's ongoing mission to assign a letter grade to every existing Pocket Monster. To anyone who thought I had gotten bored with this feature and abandoned it, I regret to inform you that you just lost your office pool. In this segment, we take it fast and slow, and set our feet on a sturdy rock.
071. Victreebel
Best Name: Utsubot (Japanese)
Type: Grass/Poison
Last time, Bellsprout ably demonstrated why its name maybe should be initialed a certain way. If you get my drift. So it's a relief today to see that it made good in the end. You earned your Victree, 'Bel. James had one in the anime—in fact, he had two, and at least one liked to show affection by putting James's entire head in its mouth. I find that amusing, giving such a lovey-dovey nature to a Pokémon that typically dissolves its prey with acid to digest it a la Brundlefly. Hey, what do you call a tiny Victreebel? A Babybel. Sorry, that joke was really cheesy. OH GOD I CAN'T TURN IT OFF B+
072. Tentacool
Best Name: English
Type: Water/Poison
My brain is just a Tentacool in the ocean of my head
'Cause I played too much Pokémon
And I woke up seein' red (and blue)
And now all I really want from life is to make Team Rocket dead, on account that,
My brain is just a Tentacool in the ocean of my head[1]
The Zubat of the sea. Pikachu, ready to do some dynamite fishing? (C-)
073. Tentacruel
Best Name: Tentoxa (German)
Type: Water/Poison
Ditching the Brainiac dome was a smart move. I'm still roasting your face with a lightning bolt, though. C+
074. Geodude
Best Name: Racaillou (French)
Type: Rock/Ground
I'm not about to go back and check, but I'm fairly certain we're on the first Pokémon (in numerical order) modeled after an inanimate object and not an animal or other organism. Hooray! We'll see this particular category go off the rails later, but a rock is a good place to start. Rock makes for a sturdy, unwavering foundation, and who's a sturdier friend and ally than Geodude? I bet you can't even think about it without imagining it saying its own name in the anime, in that unforgettable monotone rasp. Even its ubiquity in Mt. Moon isn't a strike against it, because Geodude is someone you want on your team. Well, not so much for Misty, but it'll give Lt. Surge what-for, I can tell you that. A-
075. Graveler
Best Name: Gravalanch (French)
Type: Rock/Ground
Is it odd that I think Graveler looks weaker than Geodude? Something about his texture. He looks made out of papier-mâché, like a big rock piñata. It bears out in the name too—"Graveler". When you want rocks for power, you're not looking for gravel. At the very least, I want something that meets the C.W. McCall standard. C
076. Golem
Best Name: Geowaz (German)
Type: Rock/Ground
Another real-world name, sad face. Strangely, even though golems are usually composed entirely of rock and clay, this is the only 'mon in the Geodude line with carbon-based external body parts. I understand that mythological creatures and their depictions are open to interpretation, but there are some real liberties being taken here. Every time I've ever seen it in action, Golem has had the thankless job of blowing itself up to take an opponent down with it. Has anyone ever told Golem it can have its KO cake and eat it too? Incidentally, if you've never read The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker, that's an oversight you need to rectify immediately. C-
077. Ponyta
Best Name: Basically the same everywhere.
Type: Fire
Okay. So I can understand Grimer running around the abandoned Pokémon Mansion. There's no upkeep happening, the place rots, gets moldy, etc., and that decay and mold and grossness all manifest as this poisonous blob thing. I'm with you so far. But letting wild horses overrun the place? That's way beyond any forgivable measure of irresponsibility. Whoever owns the lease on that joint needs a stern brow-beating. I can't hold that against Ponyta, of course, but what I can dock it for is showing up too late in the game to be a viable fire option. Bonus points for being a clever play on "bonita" (Spanish for "pretty"). B-
078. Rapidash
Best Name: English
Type: Fire
Once upon a time there was a Nintendo 64 game called Pokémon Snap. You rode on a rail in a protective vehicle and took pictures of Pokémon in the wild. It was way more fun than it had any right to be. It was a good game for my FWAHTCCSECTHHTPG[2] to own, because each Pokémon had a score that was based on how well you photographed it, and since anyone could contribute a high score, it wound up being a nice communal experience. Anyway, on this friend's copy, one of our mutual friends had the high score for Rapidash, and she told us all do whatever you want, but don't touch Rapidash, that one is mine. Long story short, I touched it, and to this day, if I immerse myself in the memory, I can still feel where she punched my arm. B-
079. Slowpoke
Best Name: Flegmon (German)
Type: Water/Psychic
One might be tempted to draw a throughline from Psyduck to Slowpoke, on account of the fact that they're both slow-witted (or at least appear as such). But Psyduck put forth genuine effort. He held his head in his hands, quacked aloud his insecurities, and lived a life mired in question marks. Slowpoke just sits there. That's why he gets that name. He's got more in common with Abra, though the latter can at least teleport away from danger. Slowpoke is the turkey that drowns from staring up at the rain, the lobster at the center of the question "does it feel pain when you boil it". Truly, it is the village idiot of Pokémon, an argument supported best by the fact that according to the Pokédex, it is known as the "Dopey Pokémon". C
080. Slowbro
Best Name: Lahmus (German)
Type: Water/Psychic
Slowbro definitely bros like a bro. That might not make any sense, but it feels correct. Sometimes it's portrayed in artwork with a Kubrick glare that I find distinctly unsettling. I don't know what you and that conch shell are planning, but I don't like it, y'hear?
When I hear or say or think "Slowbro", my mind goes to the dude in "Yertle the Turtle" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers who goes "look at that turtle go, bro". I never read Scar Tissue but I recall hearing Anthony Kiedis or someone say that that guy was their coke dealer, and they gave him a part in the song so that basically he wouldn't break their kneecaps. I really hope that's true but I've already got a sizable reading queue and music memoirs don't really figure into it right now. I'm not a big fan of the 80s, despite the fact that they earn huge bonus points for me being born in them, but you can't entirely write off any decade that gave us a George Clinton-produced funk band rap-rocking about Dr. Seuss books. B-
Next time: Magnemite to Shellder
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[1] One (1) internet cookie to anyone who knows what I'm spoofing here.
[2] That would be "Friend Who Always Had The Current Consoles So Everyone Came To His House To Play Games".
Welcome back to All 720 Pokémon Graded, the quest to bestow upon each Pokémon a letter grade and a brief written assessment. I realize this blog is kind of turning into Pokémonapalooza and I'm sorry about that, but not sorry enough to stop committing to this feature. Today, it's raining cats, dogs, and cats that look like dogs.
051. Dugtrio
Best Name: Digdri (German)
Type: Ground
They say two heads are better than one. Well, how about THREE, huh? Check. And. MATE. Okay, but seriously, that is the epitome of super-lazy design. "Well, we have Diglett here—how do we expand on that? Hey, what if just have three Digletts sitting next to each other? Dang it, Ken, for the last time, wad up that concept art[1] and throw it in the trash, because we are NOT USING IT."
Actually, now that I think about it, bunching up in a group like that might be a pretty solid tactic for warding off predators. If you band together, artificially inflate your size, and furrow your brow hard enough, you might convince a ferocious beast that you're a lot more powerful than you actually are. And then you do it long enough, you just evolve that way, and you get stuck together like Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear in that Farrelly Brothers movie. Perhaps nature does know best. We should fear and respect nature. Sorry I doubted you, nature. B+
052. Meowth
Best Name: English
Type: Normal
If you got to this one and did not either mentally or out loud say "That's right!" in Pavlovian helplessness, then I'm sorry, but we cannot be friends. You may recall that in the anime, Meowth taught himself how to speak like a human in the hopes of wooing a lady Meowth. Considering most Pokémon can only say their own names, I think that's pretty impressive. But what did she do? She REJECTED him. Cold-blooded, perhaps, but rightly so—talk is cheap, after all, and it doesn't pay the bills, now does it? Well, he does have that Pay Day attack, but that chump change ain't gonna keep the lights on. Anyway, when Meowth got friendzoned, as we all know, he turned to a life of grand theft Pokémon with Team Rocket. Could have been worse, I suppose; he could have become a men's rights activist. #NotAllMeowths B
053. Persian
Best Name: Snobilikat (German)
Type: Normal
In my opinion, Persian mostly exists to underscore the difference between Jessie & James and Team Rocket boss Giovanni. Jessie & James have a goofy, yammering kitten, while Giovanni has a sleek, silent, majestic cat. They are always bumbling and blasting off again; he maintains complete control and always has an exit strategy. When I got to Persian, I recalled a rumor I had once heard that Giovanni was Ash's dad. Curious as to how that panned out, I went Google fishing for answers. Turns out it remains an unproven theory, but I still like it a lot—it's part of my headcanon for sure.
While looking for information about that, I found this picture:
How dare you, Ash Ketchum. You used to be such a nice, well-mannered boy. It's disheartening to see you go down this road. It's a slippery slope, you know: one day you're talking smack, the next day you're shooting it up. By the way, notice how un-about Persian this became? That's because Persian is lame and forgettable. D+
054. Psyduck
Best Name: Psykokwak (French)
Type: Water
The rotund belly, the vacant stare, the crippling indecisiveness: all of these should make raising Psyduck an exercise in futility. And yet, it is an easy Pokémon to love. You want to instinctively protect it from the evils of the world as you would a child. Psyduck is always confused all the time. Who among us can't relate to that? I know that speaking for myself it's an occasion worthy of a block party when I understand anything at all with perfect clarity. We are Psyduck, and Psyduck is us. A
055. Golduck
Best Name: Akwakwak (French)
Type: Water
In reality, what people want is a self-starting go-getter with a sense of urgency and no major weaknesses. In our entertainment, we desire lovable, relatable underdogs that are rough around the edges. Golduck is a good "reality" evolution, but by a fantastical entertainment rubric, it falls short. This is a difficult situation to reconcile. If this was Reality Bites, Golduck would be Ben Stiller and Psyduck would be Ethan Hawke. I feel confident that I am the first person in the history of written language to make this analogy. Not sure why a duck needs claws and a bindi, but I approve. C+
056. Mankey
Best Name: Férosinge (French)
Type: Fighting
Other than the prehensile tail, what about Mankey is at all monkey-like? It's got bird feet, dog paws, cat ears, and a pig snout. SERIOUS identity crisis going on here. Don't sell this punchy primate short, though: if you're playing Pokémon Yellow, unless you plan on unleashing a maelstrom of chipping damage, you're not getting past Brock without catching one of these. Sweep the leg, Johnny! B-
057. Primeape
Best Name: Rasaff (German)
Type: Fighting
Ah, the mighty forehead vein. A member of the Mt. Rushmore of Japanese animated emotional shorthand, along with the mushroom sigh, the giant sweat drop, and the face of streaming tears. How on earth would we efficiently express anger without it? Oh, hey there, Primeape. What's goin' on with you? Not a lot, eh? Yeah, I can see that. How about we start a rumor that you can throw your training weights as an attack if you enter a cheat code? May your head continue to throb like a giant sentient alien heart. C
058. Growlithe
Best Name: English
Type: Fire
Great, we finally made it to Growlithe. I have been looking forward to this one, because it gives me a perfect opening to talk about something that has bothered me for literally decades (an impressive plural, since I'm only 30): why are lions and tigers always represented as dog- or wolf-like animals in anime? I have never found a satisfactory answer for this, and that's crazy because the Internet is now all-knowing enough that it can give you a general grasp of just about anything in less than five minutes. Does it somehow enhance their cuteness? That would be ironic, given the far greater proliferation of felines on the Internet than canines. Does it increase the intimidation factor? Confer a greater degree of majesty? I'm stumped. If anyone has a persuasive explanation of this phenomenon, I would be thrilled to hear it. That niggling question of mine aside, Growlithe is a perfectly respectable Pokémon and I have no beef with it on a personal level. Flame on, little buddy! B
059. Arcanine
Best Name: Windi(e) (Korean/Japanese)
Type: Fire
My parents have a Rottweiler/blue heeler mix who is fairly large but is also a big baby who always clamors for affection from anyone who will give it to him. That's how I see Arcanine: big and shaggy but very loving and always demanding belly rubs and chin scruffs. That's who I want protecting me (not sarcasm). Arcanine is of course the main 'mon of the gym leader Blaine, who has always fascinated me due to the two entirely different depictions of him in Pokémon lore. In the anime he's like this hippy-dippy Riddler wannabe, and in the games and manga and everywhere else he's got this Panama Jack motif going on, which I'm glad is more the standard because it's a lot cooler. Anyway, Arcanine is also cool. What's that? Who's cool? You are! YOU ARE! A-
060. Poliwag
Best Name: Ptitard (French)
Type: Water
How could a person name an adorable little nugget like this in a way that derives from "scalawag"? Look at those Bambi eyes and pouty lips. What about this creature suggests any capacity whatsoever for mischief and hijinks? It just wants to cuddle, which I would allow if it was not so slimy. Do not lump this poor varmint in with the rogues and scoundrels. If you want to drag Poliwag's innocent name and reputation through the mud, you will have to answer to ME. Come away, Poliwag, don't let the bad people hurt you. B
Next Time: Poliwhirl to Weepinbell
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[1] Do not run a Google image search for "diglett underground" and/or "muscular diglett" unless you are prepared to see some retina-searing stuff.
Yep, this is still going. We're still giving letter grades to every Pokémon from number 1 to 720. In addition, from here on out we'll be listing the type(s) of each Pokémon (as of the sixth generation) according to the National Pokédex. Today, we're taking notes from the underground.
041. Zubat
Best Name: Nosferapti (French)
Types: Poison/Flying
Zubat. Zubat Zubat Zubat Zubat Zubat. Expect Zubat to consume your life when you dare to pass through any cave. Suddenly, your schedule is booked solid with 90% Zubat sightings. I'll usually battle anything and everything for the experience, but Zubat is one of the few Pokémon that can make me run out and plunk down hard-earned cash for a bag full of Repels. Anyone else want to take on some of the heavy cave-battle lifting? Geodude? Clefairy? Don't think I don't see you hiding in the corner there, Paras! I give Zubat a few bonus points for the slight nod to Brock's ownership of one that the gym leader expansions of the card game gave it, but Zubat is so ubiquitous that you can hardly blame a person for not pursuing further evolutions. C+
042. Golbat:
Best Name: Nosferalto (French)
Types: Poison/Flying
Legitimately frightening. Looking at Golbat makes me profoundly uncomfortable. It looks like it is simultaneously melting and unhinging its jaw like a python preparing to eat a pig. Part of me wants a full index of all the Pokémon it would be able to swallow without chewing. Its design got more rounded as they sanded off some of the rough edges over the years, but in general, the worse the artwork, the scarier it looks, meaning the Gen 1 battle sprite takes top honors. Look at this thing and tell me you won't wake up in the middle of the night tonight in a cold sweat:
I made it nice and big for you. You know I wouldn't maximize your nightmare potential if I didn't love you. B+
Oh, what the heck. One more. I'm just going to leave this right here:
043. Oddish
Best Name: Myrapla (German)
Types: Grass/Poison
I would bet just about anything that Oddish was one of the first Pokémon ever designed. Legend has it the original 151 Pokémon were inspired by the creatures and objects series creator Satoshi Tajiri encountered in the woods behind his house as a child. If that's the case, he barely had to walk past the flower bed to come up with Oddish. Ultra-simple design: round body, round feet, beady eyes, a few leaves on top. Boom, done, break for lunch, who ordered the chicken Caesar wrap. I find it interesting that Ash had an Oddish in the manga but not the show. I guess Oddish didn't focus-test as well as Bulbasaur. Tough break, bro, but when a five-year-old can accurately draw you in one minute, you need a little more oomph. You know, like, more than zero. C
044. Gloom
Best Name: Ortide (French)
Types: Grass/Poison
What's the big idea here? How come every other Pokémon gets a really cool, XTREME-SOUNDING made-up name, and this guy gets a plain old real word that you can find in the dictionary? What a rip-off. I'd raise hell about it if I was Gloom. Especially since it also seems like a bit of a misnomer; it doesn't appear sad or gloomy so much as lazy. Wipe that drool off the corner of your mouth and open your eyes, slacker! How are you going to get into anyone's main party of six carrying yourself like that? I've got just the thing: a self-help tape to get you on your feet.
I bet Gloom smells like rotting onions. I'm going to cut it a bit of a break since I feel like most of its problems aren't of its own making. B
045. Vileplume
Best Name: Ruffresia (Japanese)
Types: Grass/Poison
Gloom may have drawn the short straw in the cool name sweepstakes, but you can at least kind of see what might have inspired it. With Vileplume, however, there is nothing remotely vile about that face, unless you consider vacant stares and perfect smiles inherently threatening. Even though the Pokédex lists it at 3 feet, 11 inches, it always looks absolutely gigantic in the games, even in X + Y, where you'd think with 3D models and perspective and whatnot they'd have that kind of thing sorted out by now. That perceived imposing size is a sneaky contributor to Vileplume's menacing-ness. I confess, because I usually don't mess around with fire types in Red + Blue, I usually have at least a bit of a tough time fighting Erica's Vileplume. If I took Charmander at the beginning, it would be different, but I don't usually steamroll her like I do with other gym leaders. Even though Mega Evolution has only been a thing for slightly less than two years (as of this writing), I feel like Vileplume is due for a Mega Evolution. Solid work all around. A-
046. Paras
Best Name: Basically the same everywhere.
Types: Bug/Grass
The name makes me think "Paris", and while goodness knows I can't resist the opportunity to make even the most tortured pun, it irritates me here. Not sure why there's a theme emerging of which Pokémon I suspect smell like crap and/or why this is an important quality to me, but add Paras to the list. Unlike Zubat, Paras knows that moderation is key, and to always leave the audience wanting more. When you find a Paras in Mt. Moon, you always get a little excited, even though he's a wimpy bug/grass loser, because it's a welcome respite from seeing 40 Zubats in a row. If Mt. Moon was the 2014 World Series, Paras would be the Kansas City Royals to Zubat's San Francisco Giants. You know who's going to dominate, but who are you happier to see there? That's what I thought. B-
047. Parasect
Best Name: Also pretty much the same globally.
Types: Bug/Grass
Not quite on Golbat's level as a surprisingly frightening creature, but definitely a non-negligible presence. If you ate a Parasect, your next memory would be waking up a month later on top of an arid desert plateau with no clothes on and a condom full of cocaine up your butt. Winner of Gen I class in the category of "Most Likely to Make You Scream If You Saw One in Your House Late at Night in the Dark, Non-Ghost/Psychic Division". It's the eyes, man. How about turnin' down the brights, yo? B
048. Venonat
Best Name: Bluzuk (German)
Types: Bug/Poison
Venonat is surprisingly cute for a bug Pokémon. If it knocked over something in my house and broke it, I would probably have a difficult time getting too angry at it. Venonat is what you would expect a little boy to have as his first Pokémon, and that feels right. Just as long as it doesn't set him down the path to becoming a Bug Catcher. B-
049. Venomoth
Best Name: Morphon (Japanese), Aéromite (French) (tie)
Types: Bug/Poison
Venomoth hails from a proud tradition of Japanese monsters based on moths, such as Mothra and ... uh ... well okay, really just Mothra. Scratch everything I said about Venonat being cute, because speaking of monsters, this thing definitely looks like one. I have no doubt just looking at this thing that it would chew holes through all my winter clothes without a moment's thought. Also, points off for being the main 'mon of my least favorite Gen I gym leader, Koga. In my older age I've come to appreciate the pros of the Poison type, but in Gen I you could just go PSYCHIC PSYCHIC PSYCHIC PSYCHIC all up in his face and be like, "LAME. NEXT." Wait, how did this get to be about Koga? Still scary, though. If Misty was going to freak out over a bug, it should have been over one like this, with its big empty eyes and twitching mouth pincers, and not cute little innocent Caterpie. Misty's priorities are in the wrong place. B-
050. Diglett
Best Name: Digda (Japanese, German)
Type: Ground
I love Diglett. I have way too much of a personal attachment to Diglett. I was extremely upset when I couldn't find a rational excuse to work him into my party in X + Y because there were so many better options. But in that first game, man alive. Diglett was such a BAMF that it got a whole cave that was chock-full of them named after it, and you could catch one and level it up right before taking it to Lt. Surge's gym and grinding his face into a fine powder with it. I never have a Gen I party without one. Bonus points: When my hair is long enough, I can brush the front of it straight down, put a Mr. Potato Head nose and some black eyes on it, and ¡bam! instant Diglett costume. Always a hit. A
Next time: Dugtrio to Poliwag
Welcome back to Cheese and Pixels' attempt to assign a letter grade to all 720 Pokémon. Today, we finish the Nidoran family and wade into more mythical waters.
031. Nidoqueen
Best Name: As you may recall from last time, none of the Nidoran family have foreign name variants.
I am going to trust my better judgment and not say anything stupid or immature about Nidoqueen's sandbag bosoms, because I bet she'd claw my face off if I did. There's definitely some serious mama-bear quality simmering just below the surface. When you're in a bind, you totally want the Nido family in your corner. Nidoqueen was recently the recipient of not one, but two pretty cool cards in the Primal Clash expansion of the card game, with no attendant Nidoking in sight. That's right, Nidoqueen is a strong independent marsupial-like creature that don't need no man. A
032. Nidoran♂
The girl gets the top billing, but the guy is cuter, so I guess that's a fair trade-off. I like the overbite and the sidelong glare, as if he's about to get into some mischief. Whatcha got tucked away in those big ol' rabbity ears? A slingshot? A tack for the teacher's bottom? Seems like the kind of guy who would have to endure a few time-outs and detentions before the message started getting through. Ain't no Pokémon trainer got time for that! B
033. Nidorino
Nidorino! Nidday! The Nidmeister! Makin' copies! Like Nidorina, Nidorino is caught in the middle of a fraught adolescent phase. He looks very sullen, unhappy, uncomfortable in his weird angular body. He has gotten to the age where he thinks purple is a lame color and will say so to anyone within earshot. Yes, Nidorino, middle school is difficult for everyone. It gets better. I'll give you a conditional B that will be lowered if I discover any terrible poetry you've written.
034. Nidoking
I like Nidoking's stance. He looks like he is constantly sitting on a dais in deep thought, with everyone crowded around awaiting with bated breath, hanging on the hope of whatever wise words he is meticulously articulating within his mind. He also looks like he has severe back problems. He also looks like one of those dads who's scarier when he lowers his voice than when he's yelling. Nidoking looks like a lot of things. And that's how you get to be the king: you represent a lot of things to a lot of people. It's good to be the king. A
035. Clefairy
Best Name: Mélofée (French)
Clefairy inhabits a weird limbo space. It's both an iconic Pokémon and not. Just about anyone with even casual familiarity with Pokémon can recognize it, but really it's only got the Mt. Moon thing and the Moon Stone going for it. The Moon Stone is such a Clefairy thing in my mind that I get vaguely weirded out when I learn other Pokémon evolve using one. It seems like Clefairy should really be getting more out of the mind control aspect of its abilities. Clefairy can copy moves and make other Pokémon repeat whatever it does, but there's no edge to it, no sharpness on those fangs. I'm going to dock it for not doing better work on its brand. GROW YOUR BRAND, CLEFAIRY. C
036. Clefable
Best Name: Pixy (Japanese)
This one just always seemed pointless to me. Why does Clefairy need to evolve? Has it not already achieved some Platonic ideal of cute and chubby? What about Clefairy screams "needs to be taller and leaner"? Also, once it becomes Clefable, it doesn't learn new moves anymore (if I am reading these move set tables correctly). That's just lazy, man. Make Clefairy do all the grunt work of leveling up and learning moves, then just barge in after getting Moon Stoned and don't bring anything to the table except, I don't know, some higher base stats or something? Clefable is a big waste of everything. D-
037. Vulpix
Best Name: Rokon (Japanese)
Vulpix is a very interesting Pokémon. It is a less masculine choice without being overtly feminine, not that that's bad at all but I'm trying to remember back to the way I saw things when I was a doofy adolescent male. I think it takes a special kind of person to pick Vulpix over its spiritual counterpart Growlithe. Having a Vulpix says something about that person's maturity and mindset (ownership of Pokémon Blue over Red notwithstanding). You can party with a Growlithe, but you can walk and have a nice conversation with a Vulpix. Does any of this make sense? I didn't think so. I was a stupid kid. B
038. Ninetales
Best Name: English
Talk about exuding cool. Ninetales is a kind of cool I can never aspire to be. I am way too spastic and reactionary to be as cool as a Ninetales. Owning one would not be an accurate reflection of my personality. The world could crumble all around a Ninetales and it would only either smirk or gaze blankly at the chaos. It could silence a room by telling everyone to be quiet without raising its voice. I'm kind of jealous of how effortlessly cool Ninetales is in a way that I'm not with, say, Charizard. When I look at latter-day Pokémon that have a bunch of weird extra lines and ridges, I look back to Ninetales and marvel at how much it does with just a creamy yellowish coat of fur and a bunch of fluffy posterior appendages. Plus, it can pull off white after Labor Day. A
039. Jigglypuff
Best Name: Pummeluff (German)
The original diva Pokémon. Jigglypuff is a 'mon skilled in all the ways of contending, from being cute to cheesing people off—especially the latter. Jigglypuff is one of a select group of characters whose arrival on a scene makes everyone say not "aw, crap" but rather "oh, jeez". I knew a guy who dominated in Super Smash Bros. Melee with Jigglypuff because he mastered the timing of the Rest attack and knew just when to roll it out to get that precise hit and ruin someone else's mood. Jigglypuff is a professional poop-stirrer, whether launching Melee opponents into the stratosphere with a well-timed nap or showing up with a microphone at an inopportune moment and lulling everyone to sleep with a song comprising only its own name. There's something admirably ballsy about a Pokémon that just blusters in and demands everyone pay attention to it and find it cute and interesting. It would be funny if Pikachu and Jigglypuff had a Kermit/Miss Piggy dynamic and/or relationship. Jigglypuff knows you can't skate by on cuteness alone; you also have to have spunk, and chutzpah. Hey Clefairy, I think I just found your marketing mentor! A
040. Wigglytuff
Best Name: Grodoudou (French)
What's with these floofy fairy types growing up and getting fat and growing body parts they don't need? And why did you grow Pikachu/Nidoran ears, Wigglytuff? Don't you remember when you used to be a rockstar, when you forged your own path? You didn't need to bite anybody's style. Now you're stabbing so desperately at relevance that even Madonna is shaking her head at you. Plus, your name just rhymes with your previous stage's name. If your eyes weren't so far apart and didn't make you look like a crazy cat lady, I would talk even more smack about you. You forgot your ROOTS, man. D
Next time: Zubat to Diglett
