All 720 Pokémon, Graded. Part 3 — Nos. 21-30 (Spearow to Nidorina)

Welcome back to Cheese & Pixels' ongoing appraisal of all 720 of those adorable little cash cows known as Pokémon. In this installment: birds in the sky, snakes in the grass, and the most famous one of them all.

021. Spearow
Best Name: Habitak (German)
We start off the third part of our Pokémon grading odyssey with another bird, Spearow. Already running out of ideas, Game Freak? On the contrary, Spearow and Pidgey could not be more different. Spearow is a much more rough-edged specimen—mangy-looking, even, inasmuch as it's possible for a bird to look mangy. Those rough edges give Spearow an endearing edge over Pidgey though, and Spearow also has the distinct advantage of not being modeled after a bird frequently nicknamed "the rats of the sky". Plus, unlike Pidgey, Spearow learns Peck (and later Drill Peck), which is great for picking on hapless Bug Catchers. It's never nice to say someone had it coming, but I mean, have you fought a Bug Catcher?
Spearow: A-
Bug Catchers: Still F

022. Fearow
Best Name: Onidrill (Japanese)
Fearow was the first Pokémon I was ever irrationally all about to the exclusion of all others. I once traded a rare holographic card for a diamond (uncommon) Fearow and had to spend ten minutes convincing the other party that I was okay with the trade. That is LOVE. It looks like a hybrid between a rooster and a vulture, and instead of looking stupid it actually manages to give it a very high intimidation factor. Plus it's got Drill Peck, which is what separates the bird-men from the bird-boys. Also, check out its Gen 1 from-behind sprite:

Oh my God, he's SO UGLY. And yet, I can't help but adore it. From the moment I'm able to have it in my party, it stays there until I reach the Pokémon League, and sometimes even through that. If I could own only one Pokémon in real life, I'd seriously consider taking Fearow, because at the end of the day I don't give a crap about time-traveling god-beasts and robot dragons and mind-warping lab experiments. I just want to ride on my Fearow and let the wind whip at my face. Still, after all these years and generations: A+

023. Ekans
Best Name: As silly as it is, the English name is nevertheless the most creative.
It is a watershed moment in every child's education when they realize that "Ekans" is "snake" spelled backwards. The only strike against Ekans—and it's a pretty major one—is that if you saw a purple and yellow snake in the grass, you would not be scared of it at all. You would think, "Hm. So they figured out how to turn that novelty prank can of beer nuts into an animatronic puppet." C+

024. Arbok
Best Name: That's its name pretty much around the globe, actually.
Unlike his goofy predecessor, Arbok is the real deal. Even though it's a poison type, it doesn't seem like it'd be too much of a stretch for it to have some psychic-type attacks in its moveset—you really feel like it could paralyze someone for ten turns with a well-placed Mega Glare. It made me feel good when Jessie's Ekans (the Team Rocket lady's, not mine) evolved into an Arbok in the anime. Those hard-luck Team Rocket rejects need all the victories they can eke out. By the way, check out this ultra-sweet picture (from the Pokémon Adventures manga) of an Arbok getting mad chopped in half by a Charmeleon:

Perhaps I have severely underestimated Charmeleon's murderizing potential.
Arbok: B+
Retroactive grade adjustment for Charmeleon: A

025. Pikachu
Best Name: Everyone calls it Pikachu.
Ahh, Pikachu, the electric mouse Pokémon. What can one say about Pikachu that has not already been said a thousand times? Probably at least a few things, because people who are obsessed with Pokémon generally do not write navel-gazing retrospective thinkpieces about it. Let's get the cute factor out of the way right at the top. Pikachu was not the first cute anime character by any means, but it is the god-tier example of cute Japanese things. Pikachu is the ne plus ultra of kawaii desu—he of the ruddy cheeks that launched a million otaku. To this day, Pikachu remains, by volume, the cutest thing Japan has ever exported, narrowly edging out Hello Kitty. Not even Pichu out-cuted Pikachu, and it was a BABY FORM of Pikachu. And none of it would mean diddly-squat if it wasn't also a good Pokémon to use. That's the thing: Pikachu is cute, but it also has UTILITY. It's not strictly speaking the best electric type you can carry around, but no one will fault you for doing so. Cute and handy—"the complete package", as the ladies say. You can't ask for much more from the face of your franchise than that. Incidentally, Pikachu is also one of my two favorite characters to rock in Super Smash Bros. Melee (Dr. Mario being the other). Pikachu didn't have to be a legit renaissance 'mon with street cred out the wazoo, but Game Freak made it happen, and it made all the difference. A

026. Raichu
Best Name: As with Pikachu, this is its name all around the world.
Hey there, little Billy! You know those pets you get when they're "cute" and "little"? Well, there's something they don't tell you about those "cute" "little" pets, Billy: they grow up. B-

027. Sandshrew
Best Name: Sabelette (French)
Recently I found myself wondering in which generation the phenomenon of "let's add a few arbitrary lines and/or ridges to an existing animal and call it a Pokémon" started. As it turns out, it was cropping up as early as the first generation. Sandshrew is the first Pokémon I've seen in my National Dex grading travels that evoked this feeling and made me remember that I mostly hate it, so I think—fairly to him or not—I have to knock off at least one letter grade for that. Also, his face looks like a uterus. I know, Sandshrew, you're trying, but God help you, it's just not coming together for you. Also, why are you described in the Pokédex as a "Mouse Pokémon"? Rattata and even Pikachu have that biz locked up tighter than you. And your Japanese name is just Sand? Sandshrew, you are secretly a hot mess. You may have just caught me on a nitpicky day, but... D

028. Sandslash
Best Name: Goji (Korean)
I don't know how they're doing it, but your giant claws, mane, and three ears (?) are doing you a world of good in the evolution department. BIG upgrade. Your face still looks like a crude rendering of a woman's pelvic region, but you don't look like you're assembled from pyramid bricks anymore. Good hustle. B

029. Nidoran♀
Best Name: The names of the entire Nidoran line are the same globally.
You made me dig through the Character Map to find the ♀ symbol?! No one told me this stupid screw-around project was going to require actual WORK! Pretty cool that they gave the female variant top billing though. Even before most Pokémon were gendered, I didn't understand why these two got to be special and have separate naughty bits. It's not like they got a subplot where they got to hook up mid-game or something. Now that all Pokémon have compatible genitals and you can basically breed whichever two you want, the Nidoran family feels like a weird, unfocused relic of a different time. C-

030. Nidorina
Nidorina looks very haggard. Like she's constantly nagging Nidorino's ear off. Sometimes a woman just needs a day of pampering at the Pokémon Center. The Bulbapedia entry says that it chews its food for its young. I'm not judging but Nidorina seems to be a little young to be having babies. (New Pokédex entry: "Nidorina: Teen Mom Pokémon.") Maybe that's why the hair on her ears is all out of sorts. Sounds like you need a week at Rancho Relaxo, Nidorina. C+


Next Time: Nidoqueen to Wigglytuff

All 720 Pokémon, Graded. Part 2 — Nos. 11-20 (Metapod to Raticate)

Continuing our assessment of the wide world of Pokémon. Today, we examine the birds and the bees.

011. Metapod
Best Name: Trancell (Japanese)
Metapod has long confused me, because the part of it that I think should be the back is apparently supposed to be the front, and vice versa. This is the Pokémon that launched (from me) a thousand "Penisaur! Harden!" jokes that nobody ever laughed at but totally should have. In the old days, the frustrating part was putting it out front at the beginning of a battle only to switch it out for someone who could attack just so it could get the experience points, but modern conveniences have eliminated the need for this. B

012. Butterfree
Best Name: Smettbo (German)
Another one I'm betting people remember largely from the early days of the anime, in which Ash released his Butterfree. LEGITIMATE EMOTIONAL MOMENT. MAJOR POINTS. I remember seeing that for the first time and pushing my tear back in Earl Devereaux-style and telling myself, "For God's sake, man, get it together, this is Pokémon we're talking about here." If you took Charmander at the start in Red/Blue, it was nice to have Butterfree around so you could do more than "not very effective..." chipping damage to Brock's rock types. A

013. Weedle
Best Name: Aspicot (French)
Weedle and Caterpie represent one of those Star Wars/Star Trek dichotomies that aren't terribly similar beyond a few of their superficial qualities, yet seem to invite comparison nonetheless. Weedle does have a bit more of an edge to its demeanor, and I don't mean the horn on its head. As a poisoner, it's naturally going to be more aggressive than Caterpie, and poisoning people is a lot sexier than slowing them down with String Shot, since doing raw damage is always more appealing that stat debuffing. (I will now commit ritual seppuku for using "sexy" in this context.) B

014. Kakuna
Best Name: Sorry, other countries with cool exotic languages, English takes this one.
Definitely the superior of the two original cocoon types. For one thing, you can easily tell which side is supposed to be the front, and for another, if you look closely enough at him, he looks like he's wearing a necktie. CONSUMMATE BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL. Kakuna: business in the front, and in the back. Let's all put forth a concerted effort to make a few more "Kakuna Matata" jokes in future. B+

015. Beedrill
Best Name: Dardagnan (French)[1]
Poison types got the short end of the straw in the first generation. They were an easy target for disrespect; they were weak against almost literally half the other types, and Beedrill's biggest moment was when one of the Bug Catchers pulled his straw hat out of his butt long enough to actually evolve his bugs, and you still OHKO'd it with a halfway decent flying or fire attack. And, as already stated, you were better off optimizing for raw damage than you were fine-tuning your stat buffs and debuffs in those early glitch-ridden salad days of yore. Now that in the current generation they're one of the few weaknesses of the brand-new fairy type, they've got greatly enhanced utility and rock-star cachet. I took my Beedrill all the way to the Elite Four and the champion, and gained a new appreciation for it in the process. Plus, Mega Beedrill looks like a robotic Asimov-bypassing murder machine, and I'm all about that bass.
Beedrill: A-
Bug Catchers: F

016. Pidgey
Best Name: Bōbō (Chinese)
Pidgeys are the cockroaches of the Pokémon universe. Kill them all, no mercy, I say. I get irrationally angry when I encounter a Pidgey in the wild. When I started playing Pokémon X and the very first wild Pokémon I ran into was a Pidgey, I very nearly threw my 3DS at the wall across the room. My blood boils even more on those occasions when I actually deign to fight a Pidgey and it just SAND-ATTACKs me into oblivion. Pidgey is the worst. F

017. Pidgeotto
Best Name: English
Just because Pidgey gets up my dander doesn't mean I can't be fair to its evolutions. Pidgeotto is like when you haven't seen an ugly annoying person you knew during your childhood in a while, and when you see them they've filled out and become less obnoxious. I guess I don't mind Pidgeotto as much because you don't run into it in the wild every two steps, and usually when you do see one, it belongs to your rival and you can punch its face through its butthole with a well-placed Thunderbolt and off it in one hit. B-

018. Pidgeot
Best Name: Roucarnage (French)
Very regal, dignity out the wazoo, cool hair. I always thought it was baloney that they didn't include Pidgeot in the base set of trading and waited until Jungle (or was it Fossil?) to release it. That wasn't cool. Not my flying type of choice, but a respectable one for people who, unlike me, have enough patience not to punt their Pidgey into the ocean. Mega Pidgeot gains some added splashes of color and some near-Judge Doom-level psycho eyes, which greatly improve both its overall look and intimidation factor. B+

019. Rattata
Best Name: Rattfratz (German)
You would think a purple rat would look stupid, but Rattata carries it off with élan. Also, it's fun to say "Rattata" because it sounds like the onomatopoeia for a machine gun. You do get tired of seeing them in the wild though, and it's always disappointing when Team Rocket grunts bring them out because it's like, "Really, guys? You couldn't STEAL a better Pokémon than that?" They must be mugging Youngsters, which is like, pick on someone your own size, bro. Better than robbing Bug Catchers, though, I guess. B-

020. Raticate
Best Name: Reteura (Korean)
Rattata looks cute and spunky and something you might not mind taking home as a pet even though it's a rat. Raticate is the exact opposite. Despite being a rat, it has a very possum-like appearance and demeanor, which adds to its visceral scariness. You somehow feel like you would contract head lice if it bit you. My favorite is the Gen 1 Red/Blue Raticate that looks like it's re-enacting that scene where Squidward finally tastes a Krabby Patty. When I think of Raticate I think of how you'll sometimes run into a Team Rocket grunt with a level-18 Raticate and you'll throw down the red flag and be like, "NO. THAT IS BULLCRAP. RATTATA EVOLVES AT LEVEL 20. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS." The level-18 Raticate is an abomination against God and nature. B+


Next time: Spearow to Nidorina

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[1] Honorable mention for the Japanese name, which is brutal in its simplicity: "Spear".

I Wanna Be the Very Best, Like No One Ever Was: All 720 Pokémon, Graded. Part 1 — Nos. 1-10 (Bulbasaur to Caterpie)

So this is a project I started on a forum for people who were fans of my YouTube videos, and it was a ton of fun to do, but I got through the first 50 and then just stopped for no discernible reason. But I seem to be doing a whole lot better about keeping up with my writing these days, so I've decided to resurrect it and give it another whirl in a more public space.

So here's the deal. I will thoroughly assess and grade almost all of the current total of 720[1] Pokémon. I will tackle them based on their order in the National Pokédex (the one that covers all species across all games) without skipping. I will make a few blithe observations about each one, choose my favorite of its names (since many Pokémon, especially the less popular ones, have different names in different languages), and then award it a letter grade on the standard scale from A+ to F. All grades will be incredibly biased and based or not based on any, all, or none of the following criteria:

• Physical appearance
• Degree of utility in the video and/or card games
• Factoids that can be gleaned from a brief (<5min) Bulbapedia skim
• Any other completely baseless opinions and/or observations they happen to bring to mind

I would be remiss if I failed to admit that I am largely influenced in this venture by Lore Sjöberg and his "Ratings" columns, which were published on the Brunching Shuttlecocks website from 1997 to 2003 and have remained close to my heart ever since, although I highly doubt I can match his wit and brevity. If you have never read them, take a day or four off from work, peruse them all, and be mightily entertained.

That said: let's do this.

001. Bulbasaur
Best Name: Bulbizarre (French)
I almost always start with ol' Bulby when I fire up Red/Blue or Fire Red/Leaf Green. In the first game, your choice of starter Pokémon equated tidily to a difficulty setting of sorts: Bulbasaur = easy, Squirtle = normal, Charmander = hard. I chose not out of a personal desire not to be inconvenienced, but out of love. I love Bulbasaur. Not only can he steamroll the first two gym leaders, it's also useful in catching the Legendary Birds. Seems like it would make a well-behaved pet, and also like it would be fragrant, in a good way. A

002. Ivysaur
Best Name: Herbizarre (French)
Ivysaur is technically better than Bulbasaur, but you can't help but feel as though something intangible yet precious has been lost when you evolve your Bulbasaur. It's like when your kid starts speaking in complete sentences and you realize you're never again going to hear the adorable malapropisms that you've come to love and even adopted as part of your vocabulary. To look at Ivysaur is to feel a profound sadness.

Is having a very tough time with puberty and would appreciate it if you wouldn't harp on it, thank you very much. B

003. Venusaur
Best Name: Florizarre (and it's France with the hat trick!)
Here are some unsourced facts about people who wear Hanes underwear: They wear jeans with elastic waists. They have terrible diets. They release wet farts that smell unfathomably awful. They have significant respiratory issues.[2] If Venusaur was a human being, it would wear loose-fitting Hanes underwear. It would also have a dead-end job, a comb-over, and a beer gut. Venusaur is a bloated sack of crap with bad complexion. Just look at that dumb face. That's the smile of someone who eats shards of glass coated with diarrhea for breakfast.

In addition to that glorious image, Venusaur has to wait a full turn before he can use his Solarbeam attack again, because it takes so much effort that he gets short of breath and his front left leg starts going numb. Venusaur is the mountain of feces that the sick Triceratops lays down in Jurassic Park. D

004. Charmander
Best Name: Salameche (France, you are killin' it today!)
You can't spell Charmander without "charm", though that's probably just a coincidence. I always thought the story about Charmander dying if its tail flame goes out was bullcrap, though my reasoning for that would require a footnote so long I would have to type it out as a separate entry. I bet Charmander is lightly coated in some kind of weird lizard slime and you just can't see it because of the streamlined anime design. For some reason it feels like it takes forever to make him even slightly useful. B-

BONUS GRADE. If you remember the early episodes of the anime, you might recall Charmander's original trainer, Damian. Damian was a mega-dillhole who abandoned his Charmander in the rain, but he wore a 70s-style leather vest with tassels over a pink shirt, and somehow he PULLED IT OFF FLAWLESSLY. Damian is a terrible person with great fashion sense, which is an unfortunate combination, because that is a way snazzier ensemble than it has any right to be. However, I simply can't abide the idea of any animal abuse, real or fictional, so Damian can't score higher than a D- by default. That wardrobe is the only thing saving him from the ignominy of an F.


005. Charmeleon
Best Name: Glutexo (German)

Here is my favorite Charmeleon card from the card game:

Because that's who your mind turns to when you're looking to fill out your electric deck—Charmeleon! Of course! Since we're abandoning all logic and reason, let's just give Squirtle Flame Blast! And Pikachu can have Razor Leaf! While we're at it, let's cancel gravity! Also, money's not a thing anymore! B

006. Charizard
Best Name: Lizardon (Japanese)
You could make a semi-compelling argument that more people remember Charizard from the card game than from the video game. I was in high school when the trading card game was at the peak of its popularity, and everyone flipped their lid for that holographic base-set Charizard with 120 HP. One kid in our neighboorhood even stole another kid's, and had to make the WALK OF SHAME to return it. Charizard was a status symbol. Nobody cared if you had a Blastoise or a Venusaur, but if you had a Charizard, you had friends. Crappy friends, but friends nonetheless. In the years since, the game, much like the several hundred monsters in it, has evolved, and now you can get a Charizard with 230 HP that deals 300 damage. There are Stage 1 evolutions with more hit points than that old Charizard. But I'm getting way off track here. A-

BONUS GRADES. Below we see pictured both of Charizard's Mega Evolutions[3], Mega Charizard X and Mega Charizard Y.

Imagine buying Pokémon Y and then seeing that image and realizing your game only features the one on the right and not the left. How would that not make you feel like a chump? I would have kicked myself for days if I bought Y and then saw this. Mega Charizard X can't even keep all his fire in his mouth. He turns BLACK. He's got butane flame brushing against the sides of his face and he doesn't even flinch. He is ready to rain down DEATH on your STUPID FACE. Mega Charizard Y is just Charizard with pointier parts. LAME LAME LAME.

Mega Charizard X: A+
Mega Charizard Y: C-

007. Squirtle
Best Name: Schiggy (German)
Squirtle has a cool raspy voice that's fun to imitate, and he always looks like a boss in those triangle shades they like to put on him. If I had a Squirtle, I would keep it outside the Pokéball because he looks like he waddles like a toddler, which is ultra-cute. Bubblebeam animation was always fun to watch in Gen 1. Squirtle, you're all right. A-

008. Wartortle
Best Name: Kameil (Japanese)
Another one of those evolutions that just doesn't inspire the same level of enthusiasm as its predecessor. Good increased intensity in the face, but the wings on the side of the head and the wavy tail? Not doin' it for me. Also, the name rolls off your tongue about as pleasantly as a sheet of sandpaper. Waaaartooooortulllllll. Life would be so much easier if you could just say "Warturtle" and everyone understood what you were talking about, but there would always be that one person who would butt in and be like "it's TOOOOR. War-TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR-tle." Screw that guy, I know he's out there. C+

009. Blastoise
Best Name: Tortank (French)[4]
You know how sometimes a celebrity who was fat will lose a lot of weight, and nine times out of ten you think they looked better when they were fat and you find yourself cruelly wishing they were still fat, even though good for them for taking a proactive stance toward improving their health? Blastoise is that one other time. He's a functional fatty. He carries his weight well, and his size feels natural. Put it this way, between him and Venusaur, you know which one has to use the electric motor cart at Walmart.

Mega Blastoise is even cooler: his shoulder cannons move down to his arms, and he gets a single gigantic cannon on his back that extends farther outward than his face and will straight-up ERASE YOUR FUTURE. Excellent dude all around. Worth waiting through two lesser evolutions. A

010. Caterpie
Best Name: Lǜmáochóng (Chinese) 
Caterpie is cool because it made Misty have a conniption fit about bugs like a big old weenie. I always have a little less respect for people who flip out when they see bugs instead of just grabbing the nearest shoe and doing the deed. String Shot is lame but not lame enough to erase any of Caterpie's making-weenie-babies-freak-out cred.

Caterpie: B
Misty freaking out about Caterpie: F


Next Time: Metapod to Raticate

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[1] There are actually 721, but #721, Volcanion, despite existing in the code for Pokémon X & Y, is not found in the game itself and has not as of this writing been officially announced by Nintendo, so I will not attempt to assess it.

[2] These facts are hidden well because they have Michael Jordan as their spokesperson, which successfully paints quite a different picture of their clientele.

[3] A gameplay mechanic added in the most recent (sixth) generation of games, whereby you can temporarily upgrade certain popular Pokémon into mega-evolutionary forms with heightened stats provided they are carrying a specialized stone that enables them to do so.

[4] Ironically, the English name is fun to pronounce in a French way, while the French name is more utilitarian but also somehow more fitting.